New York--The attorneys general of all 50 states, joined by US Senator Charles Schumer, have called for an investigation into what Schumer called "unconscionable" recent increases in gasoline prices.
"Recent information from the American Automobile Association shows that the oil companies are up to their old ways," Schumer said at a press conference, surrounded by the 50 AG's, their spouses, their mothers, and several of their economic advisors, who were able to get out of school early. "There seems little doubt that we need to launch a new investigation into why this profiteering has resumed."
Data provided by the AAA showed that average retail prices soared between last Friday and last Sunday by almost seven-tenths of a cent. "The only thing more baffling than this price rise is why the Buffalo Bills chose to throw the ball late in the game against the Jets Sunday," Schumer bellowed, shaking his head in disbelief at the weekend's most shocking football play.
Schumer also said the investigation would put to work thousands of now-unemployed attorneys who had been specializing in real estate but now find themselves without a means to support themselves. "We view this study as part of the broader stimulus package," Schumer said.
Reporters at the press conference were asked to remove their shoes following the recent footwear attack on President Bush. One sock-clad journalist with visible holes in the toe area asked Schumer if such an investigation was warranted, given the numerous earlier studies that failed to find any link between higher prices and dastardly corporate deeds.
"If at first you don't succeed," Schumer replied, "try, try again."
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